I'm going to start a run of Sunday Sermons - i.e. I'm going to post here weekly, but I'm just Droopy Doggin' it today, so I'm going to watch some reruns and hate myself for it. Be prepared for some Sermons for the Hounds, you ugly, ungrateful mutts, but until then take a look at yourself and see if you pass this simple asshole test:
Guys who have beer cans stacked in their bedrooms, or a score of empty Jack Daniels bottles across the top of their fridge are immature, we all know this. So what makes you people think that putting a candle in a wine bottle is that much classier? Seriously. You say 'to remember the night', well, I don't see the beautiful box that the Stove Top Stuffing came in serving as your magazine caddy, do I? Didn't think so. Get over yourself and recycle the bottle, you're just as bad as "Otto and the Dude"...
Next week: you get my take on shopping at the mall, or maybe I'm just setting you up for disappointment. Be good, bitches.
B.
Sunday, April 19, 2009
Friday, April 17, 2009
What the Word Needs Now...
It evoked the smell of fresh bread, being part of a grocery store name.
It is the genus that contains the royal root, dye of royalty and ancient sweet, sugar beet.
It is a high energy electron or positron.
It is a high school honor society.
It is speed relative to the speed of light.
It means that it probably won't friggin' work, but don't blame us for not finishing our damned job, we told you it was a Beta.
When did this idea become acceptable? When did taking the trial phase into mainstream society and washing our hands of the repercussions become the norm? I'm guilty, look at my blogs, none of them are finished, I'm too damned busy to pour 100 hours into making this thing look pretty (but ya like that Batek Effect on the tacky title... dontcha? Dontcha wish your title was fly like me.... Jai Ho, bitches)... have you been to my two galleries, Violet's Kitchen, and my deviantArt page? Most of that stuff is starting to show a little technique, but it's far from polished. Why bother, right? Why complete anything? We get credit for inventing, for the thought, for the intention, for the attempt. Other than a tennis stroke, who needs follow through for anything? Oh, wait, have you seen world tennis rankings? Our best guy is behind some dude from Serbia. Serbia? Have you been to Serbia? Isn't that the country Hillary Clinton falsely claimed she was fired on by snipers? Do I need to say anything more?
I mean really, anyone want to take a beta antibiotic? Would you feel comfortable giving your child "Children's Tylenol Cold and Flu: Beta"? No, of course not, that's why God invented macaque monkeys. What if you jumped on your SouthWest flight, and instead of that stupid joke about putting the air mask on children, and people that act like children, tee hee, tee hee, they said "Welcome to the new Boeing 783.... beta." Wouldn't you start screaming about your meds and the box cutter in your pocket to get off? Or ladies, how about getting on the new pill, less acne! Beta. It's unbelievable. Our expectations are so low these days, we don't even expect our newscasters - journalism majors - to know grammar or usage. These wordsmiths have been opening broadcasts with phrases like, "In these uncertain times, America faces..." Excuse me?
People. That's a lettuce and mayonaisse sandwich. Let me repeat, we saw an upscale restaurant selling mayonaisse sandwiches! There's nothing uncertain when the societe haute is lowered to mayo sammies team.
If you really want uncertain times, try living with my ex. We were uncertain about what the hell was going on, what was around the corner, when the other would get pissed off. It was kind of like using a Beta, loving all the features of it while never knowing what'll make it crash. The only certain thing was that I loved her. This one was for you kiddo.
I gotta git,
B.
It is the genus that contains the royal root, dye of royalty and ancient sweet, sugar beet.
It is a high energy electron or positron.
It is a high school honor society.
It is speed relative to the speed of light.
It means that it probably won't friggin' work, but don't blame us for not finishing our damned job, we told you it was a Beta.
When did this idea become acceptable? When did taking the trial phase into mainstream society and washing our hands of the repercussions become the norm? I'm guilty, look at my blogs, none of them are finished, I'm too damned busy to pour 100 hours into making this thing look pretty (but ya like that Batek Effect on the tacky title... dontcha? Dontcha wish your title was fly like me.... Jai Ho, bitches)... have you been to my two galleries, Violet's Kitchen, and my deviantArt page? Most of that stuff is starting to show a little technique, but it's far from polished. Why bother, right? Why complete anything? We get credit for inventing, for the thought, for the intention, for the attempt. Other than a tennis stroke, who needs follow through for anything? Oh, wait, have you seen world tennis rankings? Our best guy is behind some dude from Serbia. Serbia? Have you been to Serbia? Isn't that the country Hillary Clinton falsely claimed she was fired on by snipers? Do I need to say anything more?
I mean really, anyone want to take a beta antibiotic? Would you feel comfortable giving your child "Children's Tylenol Cold and Flu: Beta"? No, of course not, that's why God invented macaque monkeys. What if you jumped on your SouthWest flight, and instead of that stupid joke about putting the air mask on children, and people that act like children, tee hee, tee hee, they said "Welcome to the new Boeing 783.... beta." Wouldn't you start screaming about your meds and the box cutter in your pocket to get off? Or ladies, how about getting on the new pill, less acne! Beta. It's unbelievable. Our expectations are so low these days, we don't even expect our newscasters - journalism majors - to know grammar or usage. These wordsmiths have been opening broadcasts with phrases like, "In these uncertain times, America faces..." Excuse me?
These are not uncertain times!People are certainly broke! You want to know how broke people are? A couple weeks ago, my ex and I were down on fourth street; for those of you who don't know, downtown Austin (which is almost always referred to as "the place where all the shootings and robberies are, but at least we're not as bad as Dallas") has 6th street which has college bars and clubs, 5th street which has all the 30 somethings bars, and 4th which is a little nicer. Anyhoo, we're down at our favorite place (Hollaback Sanchez, greatest bartender in Austin! Seriously, go to Cedar Street Courtyard and try his magic). On our walk out, I stop at one of the fancy, upscale restaurants and check out the menu, which had an entry like this:
Baguette Aoli
Our homemade baguette is split, toasted, and lovingly
smeared with a handcrafted lemon-garlic aoli,
served with watercress and hand sliced pan frites
Our homemade baguette is split, toasted, and lovingly
smeared with a handcrafted lemon-garlic aoli,
served with watercress and hand sliced pan frites
People. That's a lettuce and mayonaisse sandwich. Let me repeat, we saw an upscale restaurant selling mayonaisse sandwiches! There's nothing uncertain when the societe haute is lowered to mayo sammies team.
If you really want uncertain times, try living with my ex. We were uncertain about what the hell was going on, what was around the corner, when the other would get pissed off. It was kind of like using a Beta, loving all the features of it while never knowing what'll make it crash. The only certain thing was that I loved her. This one was for you kiddo.
I gotta git,
B.
Thursday, April 16, 2009
One Burger King and Two Penis Sandwiches
Okay, no depression this morning, just this thought: the other day I saw a few reports about Burger King's Sir-Mix-Alot/SpongeBob ad...(YouTube Link Here) and how advocacy groups are in an uproar over Sir Mix-A-Lot's demeaning song and sex being sold to kids. Makes sense.
Unless you have a mind.
While Burger King was at fault (the advocacy group says), Nickelodeon was completely screwed, because they put the children's icon into the hands of the evil, sex driven people and that sends the wrong message. They especially didn't like the T-Square on the phone book stuffed in the girl's pants. Um. One or two points here:
Have they seen SpongeBob? Didn't he have a child out of wedlock with his gay friend? Doesn't he want David Hasselhoff? As a friend once said, when watching the Spongebob movie, don't most of us sit in amazement that they fit more homoerotic imagery in a cartoon than they fit into Flash Gordon? Really? They're mad that they're doing something sexual with a character that replaced the teletubbies as the mascot of the Pride Parade? Have these people seen the show? Really? I mean, think about it, what adult (male) have you seen with a SpongeBob keychain that wasn't a sexually active gay man? (NOTE TO GAY FRIENDS: This isn't basing YOU. We just both know that the ... uh, conservatives, that run these stupid groups are the same ones that are telling you that you can't marry your partner and they don't realize the symbol of childhood purity is one of the 'enemy')
They're not complaining that Burger King's kid meal has the highest cholesterol and fat ratings - that eating their food could destroy your children's arteries? That Burger King is the worst national chain for kid's meals in America (I'd link it, but I'm too pissed to google.. you can put in some work here too, reader!). They're worried about the song, not the product? Really? A lard sandwich with grease sticks and carbonated corn syrup and sewer water, that's not the real issue? And can I tell you, the play gym at the Burger King next to me.. scary. It looks all happy and rainbow from outside, but get in that bitch, and you are straight in a Hellraiser world. There's all this frayed padding, and the screws at the bottom of the slide make the whole thing look like it was built by Freddy Kruger Construction, Limited.
And targetting kids? That the ad runs on stuff like Adult Swim, and if they think that because something's a cartoon it's for kids.. whoa Nelly! I mean hell, have they ever tuned into Fox on a Sunday night? Remember Sunday night? Family night? They're mad about a stupid ad that's targeting the key demographic that buys happy meals - parents? Think about it, who's got five to ten year olds right now? And isn't that the same demographic that watched the original video? I'm forty folks, I remember that video, and it's people around my age (mostly younger) that loved that stupid song (I was more of a Buttermilk Biscuits Mix-A-Lot fan - everyone needs that song on their ipod or Zune - ha, I said Zune - that's zarcastic, oops, I digress). So is it really that nuts to target a crowd that says, buys the product?
Oh, but it aired during the NCAA tournament, the advocacy groups say. Okay, all other points aside... WHAT?! You're right, it's unhealthy when they show some stupid joke that most kids will laugh at and say "Ha... they have square butts, butts are funny....", but the institution that places idiotic pastimes like putting a ball in a basket over higher education... that's the healthy part. Yeah, hey, minorities! Don't fuckin' study, or hit the books (not you, Koreans... we're talkin' to the other not-Europeans, and some of the southeastern Europeans to boot...), no, go bounce a ball, it's your only chance out of the Ghetto. Forget the Presidency (oops), forget being a doctor, or inventing new nanotechnology, or even being a business major who will eventually have his own bloody district of retail anything; no, instead, bounce a fucking ball. Yeah, that's a great message. At least the ball's not square, right?
Lastly, before I get to the second part of the post, in a quasi-senator of Minnesota way (there's a joke in this sentence, just wait..... a little bit longer.... didja get it? Maybe later). Why is it that all these advocacy groups are made up of people that aren't fit to be parents? I remember some advocacy mother once that was enraged at the liquor companies because her daughter got drunk and died in a car accident. Makes sense, except the daughter was twelve. Really? Jim Beam left his bottles and your car keys laying around the house and obviously cultivated an atmosphere where an elementary school student would even think about this? Unless she was a very mature looking preteen, I don't think she got hammered at your local Applebee's and picked up a rental. You're the same crappy parent that wants to sue some toy company because your two year-old almost chocked in the bathtub while trying to melt their toy with your blow dryer. It's not their fault you're the moron. And what other member of the board didn't see that when they said, "Hey, let's send Mimsy the Crappy Mom onto the talk shows, she'll drum up support!"
So lastly. These people are ragging on BK when the two sub companies are selling penis sandwiches? The new torpedo at Quizno's? I won't ever eat it simply because the toaster begs the sandwich guy to take his big, hot, foot long load of meat and "put it in me". Ain't no mistaking the message, especially with the deli guy's look at the end. A little more subtle (to say, people with IQs below room temperatures in Saskatchewan - to everyone else, it's obvious)... have you seen Subway's new "Five Dollar Foot Long" ads? It's got customers, employees, crappy ad actors, whoever, singing the little jingle "Five dollar foot long" except there's two problems. Not every ad is the same, but notice that it's men singing "Five dollars" and women responding with their hands held out "Foot Long", all giggling, one woman gagging like a porn flick sound over, bent to kneeling. Really? What do I get for Five Dollars? Talking about explicit eighties rap, "Anyting you want." "Anything?" "Anything....." A bunch of people making length and five dollar jokes? That was my friends when we were twenty... I bet that sandwich will love you long time, if you know what I mean...
Look, we're a society of morons. Sex sells. That's enough. If I tell someone my (fill in ridiculous product here) makes them more desirable to whomever it is they want to (fill in your filthiest thought here), they'll buy it. We know this. Some of it is disturbing, some is goofy, all is out there because stupid people buy into it. So advocacy mom, to take a page from your own book, if you'd spend a little less time trying to police everyone else, maybe it'd free up some time to raise your kids....
Y'all be good now.
B.
Unless you have a mind.
While Burger King was at fault (the advocacy group says), Nickelodeon was completely screwed, because they put the children's icon into the hands of the evil, sex driven people and that sends the wrong message. They especially didn't like the T-Square on the phone book stuffed in the girl's pants. Um. One or two points here:
Have they seen SpongeBob? Didn't he have a child out of wedlock with his gay friend? Doesn't he want David Hasselhoff? As a friend once said, when watching the Spongebob movie, don't most of us sit in amazement that they fit more homoerotic imagery in a cartoon than they fit into Flash Gordon? Really? They're mad that they're doing something sexual with a character that replaced the teletubbies as the mascot of the Pride Parade? Have these people seen the show? Really? I mean, think about it, what adult (male) have you seen with a SpongeBob keychain that wasn't a sexually active gay man? (NOTE TO GAY FRIENDS: This isn't basing YOU. We just both know that the ... uh, conservatives, that run these stupid groups are the same ones that are telling you that you can't marry your partner and they don't realize the symbol of childhood purity is one of the 'enemy')
They're not complaining that Burger King's kid meal has the highest cholesterol and fat ratings - that eating their food could destroy your children's arteries? That Burger King is the worst national chain for kid's meals in America (I'd link it, but I'm too pissed to google.. you can put in some work here too, reader!). They're worried about the song, not the product? Really? A lard sandwich with grease sticks and carbonated corn syrup and sewer water, that's not the real issue? And can I tell you, the play gym at the Burger King next to me.. scary. It looks all happy and rainbow from outside, but get in that bitch, and you are straight in a Hellraiser world. There's all this frayed padding, and the screws at the bottom of the slide make the whole thing look like it was built by Freddy Kruger Construction, Limited.
And targetting kids? That the ad runs on stuff like Adult Swim, and if they think that because something's a cartoon it's for kids.. whoa Nelly! I mean hell, have they ever tuned into Fox on a Sunday night? Remember Sunday night? Family night? They're mad about a stupid ad that's targeting the key demographic that buys happy meals - parents? Think about it, who's got five to ten year olds right now? And isn't that the same demographic that watched the original video? I'm forty folks, I remember that video, and it's people around my age (mostly younger) that loved that stupid song (I was more of a Buttermilk Biscuits Mix-A-Lot fan - everyone needs that song on their ipod or Zune - ha, I said Zune - that's zarcastic, oops, I digress). So is it really that nuts to target a crowd that says, buys the product?
Oh, but it aired during the NCAA tournament, the advocacy groups say. Okay, all other points aside... WHAT?! You're right, it's unhealthy when they show some stupid joke that most kids will laugh at and say "Ha... they have square butts, butts are funny....", but the institution that places idiotic pastimes like putting a ball in a basket over higher education... that's the healthy part. Yeah, hey, minorities! Don't fuckin' study, or hit the books (not you, Koreans... we're talkin' to the other not-Europeans, and some of the southeastern Europeans to boot...), no, go bounce a ball, it's your only chance out of the Ghetto. Forget the Presidency (oops), forget being a doctor, or inventing new nanotechnology, or even being a business major who will eventually have his own bloody district of retail anything; no, instead, bounce a fucking ball. Yeah, that's a great message. At least the ball's not square, right?
Lastly, before I get to the second part of the post, in a quasi-senator of Minnesota way (there's a joke in this sentence, just wait..... a little bit longer.... didja get it? Maybe later). Why is it that all these advocacy groups are made up of people that aren't fit to be parents? I remember some advocacy mother once that was enraged at the liquor companies because her daughter got drunk and died in a car accident. Makes sense, except the daughter was twelve. Really? Jim Beam left his bottles and your car keys laying around the house and obviously cultivated an atmosphere where an elementary school student would even think about this? Unless she was a very mature looking preteen, I don't think she got hammered at your local Applebee's and picked up a rental. You're the same crappy parent that wants to sue some toy company because your two year-old almost chocked in the bathtub while trying to melt their toy with your blow dryer. It's not their fault you're the moron. And what other member of the board didn't see that when they said, "Hey, let's send Mimsy the Crappy Mom onto the talk shows, she'll drum up support!"
So lastly. These people are ragging on BK when the two sub companies are selling penis sandwiches? The new torpedo at Quizno's? I won't ever eat it simply because the toaster begs the sandwich guy to take his big, hot, foot long load of meat and "put it in me". Ain't no mistaking the message, especially with the deli guy's look at the end. A little more subtle (to say, people with IQs below room temperatures in Saskatchewan - to everyone else, it's obvious)... have you seen Subway's new "Five Dollar Foot Long" ads? It's got customers, employees, crappy ad actors, whoever, singing the little jingle "Five dollar foot long" except there's two problems. Not every ad is the same, but notice that it's men singing "Five dollars" and women responding with their hands held out "Foot Long", all giggling, one woman gagging like a porn flick sound over, bent to kneeling. Really? What do I get for Five Dollars? Talking about explicit eighties rap, "Anyting you want." "Anything?" "Anything....." A bunch of people making length and five dollar jokes? That was my friends when we were twenty... I bet that sandwich will love you long time, if you know what I mean...
Look, we're a society of morons. Sex sells. That's enough. If I tell someone my (fill in ridiculous product here) makes them more desirable to whomever it is they want to (fill in your filthiest thought here), they'll buy it. We know this. Some of it is disturbing, some is goofy, all is out there because stupid people buy into it. So advocacy mom, to take a page from your own book, if you'd spend a little less time trying to police everyone else, maybe it'd free up some time to raise your kids....
Y'all be good now.
B.
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